Shelly Sunshine-prostitute
When I was a little girl, my mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to do. What a bunch of bullshit! I never heard such fucking shit in my whole life. You know, I wanted to be a doctor...and really you know, help people. But it's not that easy. It's never that eas
y. People always feed you lies and shit and tell you you can be whatever your heart desires. No. You need money. You need brains. You need to have absolutely no life and pursue whatever you think you want. Well, it all changes and nothing is certain. I was a sophomore in high school and I was doing okay in school. I lost my best friend in a drunk driving accident and nothing was the same. My grades suffered and I just did not want to do anything anymore. It was the morning of my practice SAT and I realized that it is not worth it anymore. Why should I try to be something in this world when my best friend got nothing. So, I went down to a street that I knew was known for prostitutes and I just stood there. I got my first client and boy, was it a thrill. It sure beat studying and cramming for exams. From then on, I decided I don't need to sound educated and smart and I can still make a lot of money. I can make anywhere from $500 to 1,500 on ONE client. Oh, and one time I got a really rich client that gave me $3,000. I don't know how these guys get the money, but, hey, if they want it, they pay me. I get lonely sometimes because I cannot have a steady relationship before the guy finds out who I really am. I don't get it. This is my job. Just like some people go work in a fucking office. I make my money by satisfying men. I love my job. Well, I mean, I don't know what else I would do. I never graduated from high school and I refuse to go back. My job is comforting because I know people want me and need me. If I didn't have some of my regular clients, they would be divorcing their wives because they were so uptight. I think I am really doing them a favor. I loosen them up and make them happy. Guys just need some attention sometimes and I give it to them. I have some weirdo guys sometimes but I can refuse clients. Well, my boss doesn't like me to, but I sometimes don't tell him. He will never find out. It is comforting to know that there are other girls out there like me. You know, I love the movie Pretty Woman. And I keep thinking that it could happen to me. I mean, it could. It happened to Julia Roberts. I am just like her, but I just need to find the right client with enough money. I don't know about the whole falling in love thing, but I don't know I guess anything could happen if he had enough money. I actually believe that love doesn't exist. How the hell could it exist when guys just want sex. Trust me, I know this from experience. The only truth that I can believe in is the need of humans to be wanted and needed. I mean, that is what my job is really about. I don't care about the sex. I want to make those men feel like they are needed and cared for. Most of them only do it for that reason. I don't believe in anything other than that because the world is just too fucked up. Ideals don't matter in the real world. Love doesn't exist. Religion is a fucking waste of time. People just believe in that shit because they can't not believe in anything. You know what I mean. People need to believe in something or they feel lost or confused. I think that it is just bullshit. I could be a goddess for all you know! Hell, the frog on the side of the road could be the Buddha. Haha, who cares? I can't believe in anything anymore. Life is just a cycle of trying to get by and feel needed. Maybe if my best friend hadn't died my life would be different, but I don't think about these things because it doesn't matter. I am who I am and if you don't like it, you can leave. I don't need you to listen to me. I got all the things I need from my clients...at least I think I do.
Rebecca Whiter-alcoholic
You don't know what it's like to be addicted to something. You can't criticize me for what I do when you aren't in my body and my head. Sure, you can form your stereotypes about me but do you ever stop to think that MAYBE, just maybe I can't help it anymore. My husband Roger made me into an alcoholic. I don't like to use that word, but it is what I am. I drink at any
moment of the day that I can get alcohol. Sometimes, when my husband leaves in the morning, I grab all the alcohol from the shelves and start drinking. Sometimes at 9am. I don't care. I need it. I need alcohol. It runs it my veins and makes me who I am. I think I can't ever stop. I mean how can you stop breathing. You can't, can you? That is how I feel every hour of every day. I get so frustrated at times that the only thing that wipes the pain away is alcohol. My parents were not alcoholics but I knew my mom would go to bars without my dad knowing it. I followed her when I was 18 and found out. She would drink and go sleep with other guys. Sometimes they were half her age. She never found out I followed her but I have known for 10 years. I don't want to tell her because I know she will deny it. I think she still goes out to the bars. She never loved my dad. I could tell she never really loved me either. I think she didn't want me. I am an only child and it was lonely growing up. My only friends that I would hang out with were those from my art class in school. No one really liked me. They thought I was fat and ugly. No one said it but I knew it. My friends started getting into smoking and drinking and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I got hooked on pot by age 20 and was spending all the money I got on pot. I met a guy who thought it was a disgusting habit and helped me quit. His vice, however, was not any better. He loved to drink. He loved to drink and dance. He loved to drink and party. He loved to drink. We hung out a lot and would drink almost every night. We would go to parties or just stay at home and have our own little parties. I never thought I was addicted. You don't see it that way. I thought it was a calming remedy to my everyday problems. It made me forget about my mom sleeping with guys, it made me forget that my boyfriend also cheated on me, and it made me forget all the pain in my life. I developed a strong relationship with alcohol and it became my source of comfort. It still is. When I drink, I feel nothing. I feel so happy and carefree. I love it. Life sucks and there is nothing we can do to change it. So I choose to forget it. I know I shouldn't be drinking as much as I do, but I can't stop. It is an addiction that I do not care to stop. If it helps me, why should I stop it? My boyfriend is still with me even though he verbally abuses me and cheats on me. Why do I care? He says he is sorry and I believe him. We are so close when we are drinking together. I think that is what defines our relationship and care for one another. I can't see my life without him or alcohol. I never want to stop either. What I believe to be true is love in its most basic form. I know people love me, I know they do. It's just that they may not show it as they should. I mean I still love my mom even though she is a liar. I will never not love her but I feel that love is overrated sometimes. Like with my boyfriend. He just says he loves me because he is afraid of being alone. I think beauty exists because I know people who are beautiful on the inside and outside. I am not one of them because I feel that alcohol completes me. I have friends who are perfect and do not need any outside inspiration. I believe in religion because I was raised Protestant. I don't agree with their views of alcohol though because they think alcohol clouds the mind. I think it does the opposite. I can clearly think and feel when I have my alcohol. The truth of the world is that suffering exists. We all have our ways of coping with suffering but some need more ways of coping than others. I know for me, therapy didn't work and alcohol really is the only thing that comforts me. It's like a security blanket or that same spot you always park in because you know it is safe and comforting to do the same thing over and over again.
Jane Leaberman- manipulator
I don't think about what I do anymore. It's a condition. I have to get what I want. I need to get what I want. I can find any way possible in getting what I want. I have tried to stop, but I can't and no one believes me. No one will help me. I went to a therapist, but she just told me that it is all in my head. I think I know why she said that, I wasn't truthful with her. I lied and manipulated her into thinking I was normal. I don't know why I did it. I can't even remember what I said or did, but I managed to convince her that I am normal. I really have no reason to be like this. Most people blame it on their childhood, parents, or traumatic events. None of that occurred with me. I think I just realized when I was younger that I could get what I want if I knew how to ask for it and get it. Sometimes I know exactly what I am doing and how I am getting what I want from the other people. Other times, it just happens. I don't know how to control myself. Basically what I do is manipulate people in any way I can to get whatever I need at that moment. I got money from my friends and never paid them back. I think a part of me feels guilty but another part of me thinks that they gave it to me so it is there fault.
When I was a little girl, my mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to do. What a bunch of bullshit! I never heard such fucking shit in my whole life. You know, I wanted to be a doctor...and really you know, help people. But it's not that easy. It's never that eas
y. People always feed you lies and shit and tell you you can be whatever your heart desires. No. You need money. You need brains. You need to have absolutely no life and pursue whatever you think you want. Well, it all changes and nothing is certain. I was a sophomore in high school and I was doing okay in school. I lost my best friend in a drunk driving accident and nothing was the same. My grades suffered and I just did not want to do anything anymore. It was the morning of my practice SAT and I realized that it is not worth it anymore. Why should I try to be something in this world when my best friend got nothing. So, I went down to a street that I knew was known for prostitutes and I just stood there. I got my first client and boy, was it a thrill. It sure beat studying and cramming for exams. From then on, I decided I don't need to sound educated and smart and I can still make a lot of money. I can make anywhere from $500 to 1,500 on ONE client. Oh, and one time I got a really rich client that gave me $3,000. I don't know how these guys get the money, but, hey, if they want it, they pay me. I get lonely sometimes because I cannot have a steady relationship before the guy finds out who I really am. I don't get it. This is my job. Just like some people go work in a fucking office. I make my money by satisfying men. I love my job. Well, I mean, I don't know what else I would do. I never graduated from high school and I refuse to go back. My job is comforting because I know people want me and need me. If I didn't have some of my regular clients, they would be divorcing their wives because they were so uptight. I think I am really doing them a favor. I loosen them up and make them happy. Guys just need some attention sometimes and I give it to them. I have some weirdo guys sometimes but I can refuse clients. Well, my boss doesn't like me to, but I sometimes don't tell him. He will never find out. It is comforting to know that there are other girls out there like me. You know, I love the movie Pretty Woman. And I keep thinking that it could happen to me. I mean, it could. It happened to Julia Roberts. I am just like her, but I just need to find the right client with enough money. I don't know about the whole falling in love thing, but I don't know I guess anything could happen if he had enough money. I actually believe that love doesn't exist. How the hell could it exist when guys just want sex. Trust me, I know this from experience. The only truth that I can believe in is the need of humans to be wanted and needed. I mean, that is what my job is really about. I don't care about the sex. I want to make those men feel like they are needed and cared for. Most of them only do it for that reason. I don't believe in anything other than that because the world is just too fucked up. Ideals don't matter in the real world. Love doesn't exist. Religion is a fucking waste of time. People just believe in that shit because they can't not believe in anything. You know what I mean. People need to believe in something or they feel lost or confused. I think that it is just bullshit. I could be a goddess for all you know! Hell, the frog on the side of the road could be the Buddha. Haha, who cares? I can't believe in anything anymore. Life is just a cycle of trying to get by and feel needed. Maybe if my best friend hadn't died my life would be different, but I don't think about these things because it doesn't matter. I am who I am and if you don't like it, you can leave. I don't need you to listen to me. I got all the things I need from my clients...at least I think I do.Rebecca Whiter-alcoholic
You don't know what it's like to be addicted to something. You can't criticize me for what I do when you aren't in my body and my head. Sure, you can form your stereotypes about me but do you ever stop to think that MAYBE, just maybe I can't help it anymore. My husband Roger made me into an alcoholic. I don't like to use that word, but it is what I am. I drink at any
moment of the day that I can get alcohol. Sometimes, when my husband leaves in the morning, I grab all the alcohol from the shelves and start drinking. Sometimes at 9am. I don't care. I need it. I need alcohol. It runs it my veins and makes me who I am. I think I can't ever stop. I mean how can you stop breathing. You can't, can you? That is how I feel every hour of every day. I get so frustrated at times that the only thing that wipes the pain away is alcohol. My parents were not alcoholics but I knew my mom would go to bars without my dad knowing it. I followed her when I was 18 and found out. She would drink and go sleep with other guys. Sometimes they were half her age. She never found out I followed her but I have known for 10 years. I don't want to tell her because I know she will deny it. I think she still goes out to the bars. She never loved my dad. I could tell she never really loved me either. I think she didn't want me. I am an only child and it was lonely growing up. My only friends that I would hang out with were those from my art class in school. No one really liked me. They thought I was fat and ugly. No one said it but I knew it. My friends started getting into smoking and drinking and I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I got hooked on pot by age 20 and was spending all the money I got on pot. I met a guy who thought it was a disgusting habit and helped me quit. His vice, however, was not any better. He loved to drink. He loved to drink and dance. He loved to drink and party. He loved to drink. We hung out a lot and would drink almost every night. We would go to parties or just stay at home and have our own little parties. I never thought I was addicted. You don't see it that way. I thought it was a calming remedy to my everyday problems. It made me forget about my mom sleeping with guys, it made me forget that my boyfriend also cheated on me, and it made me forget all the pain in my life. I developed a strong relationship with alcohol and it became my source of comfort. It still is. When I drink, I feel nothing. I feel so happy and carefree. I love it. Life sucks and there is nothing we can do to change it. So I choose to forget it. I know I shouldn't be drinking as much as I do, but I can't stop. It is an addiction that I do not care to stop. If it helps me, why should I stop it? My boyfriend is still with me even though he verbally abuses me and cheats on me. Why do I care? He says he is sorry and I believe him. We are so close when we are drinking together. I think that is what defines our relationship and care for one another. I can't see my life without him or alcohol. I never want to stop either. What I believe to be true is love in its most basic form. I know people love me, I know they do. It's just that they may not show it as they should. I mean I still love my mom even though she is a liar. I will never not love her but I feel that love is overrated sometimes. Like with my boyfriend. He just says he loves me because he is afraid of being alone. I think beauty exists because I know people who are beautiful on the inside and outside. I am not one of them because I feel that alcohol completes me. I have friends who are perfect and do not need any outside inspiration. I believe in religion because I was raised Protestant. I don't agree with their views of alcohol though because they think alcohol clouds the mind. I think it does the opposite. I can clearly think and feel when I have my alcohol. The truth of the world is that suffering exists. We all have our ways of coping with suffering but some need more ways of coping than others. I know for me, therapy didn't work and alcohol really is the only thing that comforts me. It's like a security blanket or that same spot you always park in because you know it is safe and comforting to do the same thing over and over again.Jane Leaberman- manipulator
I don't think about what I do anymore. It's a condition. I have to get what I want. I need to get what I want. I can find any way possible in getting what I want. I have tried to stop, but I can't and no one believes me. No one will help me. I went to a therapist, but she just told me that it is all in my head. I think I know why she said that, I wasn't truthful with her. I lied and manipulated her into thinking I was normal. I don't know why I did it. I can't even remember what I said or did, but I managed to convince her that I am normal. I really have no reason to be like this. Most people blame it on their childhood, parents, or traumatic events. None of that occurred with me. I think I just realized when I was younger that I could get what I want if I knew how to ask for it and get it. Sometimes I know exactly what I am doing and how I am getting what I want from the other people. Other times, it just happens. I don't know how to control myself. Basically what I do is manipulate people in any way I can to get whatever I need at that moment. I got money from my friends and never paid them back. I think a part of me feels guilty but another part of me thinks that they gave it to me so it is there fault.
I have actually ruined relationships and friendships because of my manipulation. I can't have any relationship without the guy breaking up with me because they say I am too controlling. That just isn't true. They don't know what they want and I know what I want. I will never compromise when I know in my heart what I want and need. It is really easy to do. I have been doing this ever since I was a kid and wanted toys, candy, dolls, etc. It's funny to think that my parents actually encouraged my behavior because they gave me what I wanted. They made me think that what I was doing was exactly right and okay to do. I never saw anything wrong with it until recently with my ex-boyfriends. They made me realize that maybe what I am doing isn't good. One of them even asked me what I would do if they were doing the same to me. That made me stop and think. But I can't stop what I am doing. Like I said it's like a condition and I can't get rid of it. I tried getting help but it didn't work. I am alone. I am afraid to talk to people because I know what I will do to them. I have lost everyone that I ever cared about. My mother refuses to talk to me because of what I did to them. My brothers and sister can't say anything nice about me. I know it even though they can't say it to my face. I am tired of this life. I am tired of trying to always get what I want. No one trusts me anymore. No one wants to spend time with me. No one cares. That is the worst feeling in the world. I feel empty. I used to be religious, Catholic actually, but I felt like a hypocrite in mass so I stopped attending. I do believe that there is a truth to Catholicism but I feel that I do not comprehend it all. I think that relationships are a pure fabrication of society. The only truth in my life is that I exist. I am living and breathing and the world spins around. I want to believe in more, I do, but I feel so empty and helpless. My experiences are true. My dead relationships are true. My feelings are true. Life is true. Death is true. Suffering is true. In my life it is really hard to decipher what is true and what isn't because I feel I just manipulate everything. I manipulate my feelings and I do not even know it. I don't know how to stop this. I try to sit down and think what is true in my life and all I can say is my experiences. Family. I miss my family with all my heart and I want to make things better with them. I really do. I believe that family is important and shapes us into the people that we are. Since I do not have my family anymore, I don't know where to turn for help. I can't see the truth in life anymore. I can't stop what I am doing. I think I want to go see a therapist again. I just don't know if I can stop manipulating people and actually get help. I say I want it now, but is that to just shut you up? Or do I really want it? I don't know. I really just don't know.
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